Six things more likely to happen than Cody Parkey hitting the uprights six times this season

Unless you are just waking up from a coma, or the less likely scenario that you don’t care about football, you’ve probably seen Bears’ kicker Cody Parkey’s double doink heard ‘round the world last Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles. If you had been watching the Bears all season you would have known that Parkey hitting the goalpost is as likely as Zion WIlliamson dunking on a breakaway. If hitting the goalpost was a sport, Parkey would be in the conversation with Ruth, Jordan and Brady. He’s hit the goalpost a remarkable six times this year (and missed all six) and incredibly did it four times in one game. So the question must be asked, just how unlikely is it that a kicker could hit one of those little tiny goalposts six times in a year? I’m no math doctor so it’s hard to say, but here are six things more likely to happen than Parkey hitting the goalpost six times this year.

  1. Goose Island Beer company had a competition outside of their brewery in Chicago this weekend offering up free beer for a year for any fan who could kick a 43 yard field goal--the same distance from which Parkey missed. No one was able to do it but the conditions were windy and snowy, not the same conditions Parkey kicked in last Sunday. I believe if the snow and wind weren’t a factor, it would be more likely that a fan could kick a field goal than for Parkey to hit the post six times in a year.

  2. The Cavs beating the Warriors in a seven game series...right now. There was talk earlier in the year that Duke might be able to beat the Cavs which, based on the Cavs inability to be good at basketball and Zion Willamson’s ability to fly, doesn’t seem impossible. But the real question is whether we will see Cavs-Warriors part 5 and if that happened the likelihood the Cavs could win. The Lebron-less Cavs beating the Warriors in a seven game series is nearly impossible. But you know what’s still less likely? You guessed it, Cody Parkey hitting the goalpost six fricken times in a season, a remarkable feat that Marvel wouldn’t put in the upcoming Avengers movie because it would be too silly to believe.

  3. A punt or kickoff return without a hold or illegal block in the back. I’ve watched a good amount of football in my life, and it’s almost as if players don’t know what an illegal block in the back is. If they did know what it was and that it costs their team 15 yards, you’d think they wouldn’t do it Every. Single. Time. But alas, watch any football game, and if the kick returner decides to return the ball, it’s just a matter of seconds before one, two or maybe all the refs and their friends throw that little yellow flag on the field. Just how unlikely is it that you don’t see a flag fly on a return? Unlikely, but Cody Parkey wins again.

  4. Jabari Parker playing defense. Do yourself a favor and do a quick youtube search of Jabari Parker playing defense. If there was a movie made exclusively of clips of Parker playing defense, it would be a top five favorite comedy for me, up there with My Cousin Vinny and Superbad. Parker clearly has no interest in playing defense and it seems unlikely those thoughts will change anytime soon, but that’s how crazy it is to hit the goalpost so many damn times.

  5. Michael Jordan returning to play NBA basketball. 20 years ago today, Michael Jordan retired from basketball for the second time and the Chicago Bulls haven’t been relevant since. Jordan is a fierce competitor and no doubt he’s tired of all the Lebron James GOAT talk. I wouldn’t necessarily bet my used 2006 Volvo on it, but have you seen how thin goalposts are?

  6. A wide receiver does not believe there was defensive pass interference. Have you ever seen a wide receiver not catch a pass and then not complain and ask for a passing interference call? Me neither. There’s never a penalty on me and always one on them, it’s human nature. I can’t imagine a time when the wide receiver doesn’t complain after every play, but still in my heart of hearts I believe it’s still more likely than out of all the space on a football field, for Cody Parkey to hit the two smallest objects on the field six agonizing times.

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