After the Bryan Colangelo burner twitter account fiasco, just like a butthole, I now assume every famous person has one too. Apparently famous athletes and executives need to express their true feelings about their previous employers, employees and teammates and what more of an adult way of doing so than by setting up an anonymous twitter account and talking smack about all of the above people in your life? I certainly can’t think of one. Kevin Durant insulting Russell Westbrook on his fake twitter account wouldn’t even make it on a reboot of Mean Girls because it’s too petty and silly, but it’s 2018 and this is where we are. The only famous person off the hook is Donald Trump who doesn’t understand why people have burner accounts when you can just talk shit or praise yourself, as yourself. With these assumptions in place, let’s begin to speculate wildly about what a handful of athlete’s burner twitter accounts probably say.
Athlete: Alex Ovechkin
Burner Handle: @gaptoothstud8
Best Tweet: “After Ovi wins the cup for the Capitals, I bet he can drink more than an entire college frat combined.”
Assessment: While clearly this is Ovi’s burner account, all of the above are true and who would be mad if we found out this was his burner? Days after winning the cup, the only thing higher than his career points per game is his blood-alcohol level.
Athlete: Lebron James
Burner Handle: @whoismichaeljordan23
Best Tweet: “If JR Smith was on the ‘93 Bulls, Jordan would not only have lost the ‘93 finals but would have played baseball and never returned #goatjames”
Assessment: King James really let his guard down when he sent this tweet from his burner account. We get it, Lebron, you’re chasing the ghost of MJ and JR Smith still isn’t sure if the series is over yet, but you’re still better than this.
Athlete: Vlad Guerrero Jr.
Burner Handle: @callhimupnow27
Best Tweet: “Vlad Guerrero Jr. is slashing .407/.457/.667 in AA, is this a joke?” #dudeisamonSTAR”
Assessment: Vlad Jr. is currently on the DL, but I don’t blame him for this burner account one bit. The Jays are not going to be in playoff contention but let’s give the people what they want.
Burner Handle: @secretariotaintsh**
Best Tweet: “Justify could have won the triple crown without a jockey, trainer or an owner, he’s that good. #whendoesthemoviecomeout? #tobymaguire
Assessment: We should all be thinking the same thing, this horse figured out how to use a computer, no wonder he won the triple crown.
Athlete: Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Burner Handle: @thisisnotZlatan
Best Tweet: “On the 7th day, the lord rested. On the 8th day, he made Zlatan...JK everybody, this is actually Zlatan, I got you lol lol lol.
Assessment: This one tells us what we already know, on a scale from 1-10, Zlatan believes he’s better.
If I find some more burner accounts I will certainly add to this. In the meantime, excuse me while I tweet from my burner account about my awesome regular account.
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