What's my relationship with Lebron James? Glad you asked
I used to really hate Lebron James… now I only kind of hate him. I kid actually. I don’t hate him at all. In fact, like my highschool girlfriend said about me, I kind of like him. Of course that was right before she broke up with me, but let’s not get bogged down by details. However, I think Lebron and I have good relationship dynamics: I kind of like him and he doesn’t know who I am. I’ll marinate on that one.
I, along with the rest of the country which is cold in January...and sometimes April, hated Lebron after his live TV special “The Decision” where he took his talents to South Beach, thereby crushing the forever sad city of Cleveland. I hated when people dared to compare Lebron to the guy whose jersey I wore everyday when I came home from school and played one on five on the Fisher Price hoop in my room. I should note, for the sake of the comparison, against all odds, with that jersey on, I always hit a buzzer beater for the win. That guy was Michael Jordan, and not the guy who played Creed’s son, or Vince “Superman” Howard, the other Michael Jordan. I hated that Lebron whined about fouls constantly but deep down, I mostly hated him because he was so frickin’ good at basketball. He’s as good at basketball as Drake is at being a bandwagon fan.
Now I am older, and while I still tell my friends when my phone is at 69%, I am more mature. And I realized, it’s stupid to hate Lebron, he’s so damn good and he’s done great things for his community--his foundation will be donating $41 million to send 1,100 kids to college for free. I don’t know about you, but college was awesome (and I suppose I learned and grew as a person) and now because of Lebron, 1,100 kids get to go for free. That’s cool. Now I’m not saying I hope he wins a championship, but it’s no longer cool to hate Lebron James. Unfortunately, this is a zero sum game so you have to hate somebody. Below are three people I suggest.
Kevin Durant. Durant won the Food Network’s “Cupcake Wars” without even participating, that’s how big a cupcake move it is to abandon your team and go to one of the best teams in history.
Grayson Allen. If Grayson Allen doesn’t look like a mixture of Ted Cruz and Kevin from the office, then I’ll never eat a cupcake again. He also has NBA bust written all over his tripping leg.
In-N-Out Burger fries. In-N-Out Burger, along with the 1991-2014 Chicago Cubs, is the biggest disappointment of my entire life. The burger was fine, but the fries were definitely one of the top five worst things I’ve ever eaten, which includes the jar of pickle juice and mayo I ate back when Truth or Dare seemed like the best way to impress a girl. Oh 7th grade. I sent the fries back because I thought there was something wrong with them but then they gave me a new batch and I realized they were just terrible. What did I do wrong to deserve such terrible flavor and texture?
So direct that hate elsewhere, because Lebron is alright.