Johnny Football considering name change to “Sh**, I can’t believe I screwed everything up.”

In the most shocking sports news, Johnny Manziel will be signing autographs and taking pictures at two memorabilia shops at Texas Malls during Super Bowl week. And here’s the kicker, you have to pay money! $99 for an autograph or a picture and $29 if you want him to add an inscription like, “Johnny Football” or “Play hard,” or “I’ve been a selfish rich white guy my whole life and my drug and party habits ruined my chance at my dream job of being an NFL quarterback.” That inscription is actually the best deal because even though it’s way more words, it’s still only $29, what a steal?!!

The only reason Manziel’s picture should be taken, is as a warning to children of how drugs and alcohol can ruin your life. Manziel’s own father said, “I hope he doesn’t die before he comes to his senses...I hope he goes to Jail.” For icing on the cake, he’s also still working through his domestic violence case where he was accused of beating his then girlfriend. I would ask, who the fu** would want his autograph? But I know the answer is we live in a world where Donald Trump was elected president so I would be the idiot for asking why or how to anything.

And finally, aside from all of the off the field issues, he wasn’t that good at football. He was drafted by the Cleveland Browns and they’re by far the best team at screwing up draft picks and to make matters worse, he was then released by the Cleveland Browns. The only good thing to come out of this story, is that if Johnny Manziel’s autograph and picture are worth 99 bucks, then for a college educated, non-drug or alcohol abuser like myself, I should be raking in the dough.


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