Where in the world is Jay Cutler

It was just a few weeks ago where I sat in this very chair, looked into this very computer screen, wore this very shirt with no pants, and I made fun of Jay Cutler as the newest Fox NFL tv analyst. But here we are and Jay Cutler has a new job as the quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. At his opening press conference, Cutler said, “I have my whole life to be an awkward tv analyst, but I have only one more year to be a terrible NFL quarterback.

After starter Ryan Tannehil went down with season ending knee injury, the Miami front office was sitting around their conference room talking about palm trees, hurricanes and oranges, you know, classic Miami stuff, when one guy was like, hey you know that dude who has that permanent pouty face, no one around him really liked him and he used to play around in the mud in Chicago. And one guy in the room said, are you just talking about an average 5 year old? And then the guy said to clarify, he also played quarterback for the Bears. And everyone’s like, oh, Jay Cutler. And then the guy said, imagine that dude, but a year older and after having taken 9 months away from the game to get in worse shape, and is coming off major surgery. And then everyone in the conference room said, with smiles on their faces, I’m listening, and then the guy was like, let’s give that guy 10 million dollars so he can do all of those things he did in Chicago, a little bit worse, for us. Then the room roared with smiles and approval and they sent the contract to Cutler and celebrated with freshly squeezed orange juice.

That man was promoted and Jay Cutler was left wondering the same thing Donald Trump was after being elected president, “are you sure about this?” Football can be strange and sometimes you just need to hire a terrible quarterback because there is no one else. Look for Jay Cutler to be throwing picks at an unprecedented rate at a football stadium near you.


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