Kyrie Irving still believes earth is flat, seeks trade away from Lebron

Lebron James began the age of ring chasing which looked as if it might be similar to the Dark Ages and last for a thousand years, but lo and behold, in just 7 short years since that era began, Kyrie Irving, the same man who is still convinced the earth is flat, is determined to have his own era which he has elected to call, “Who needs rings? I want less rings and less money just so I can maybe be the best player on my team.” For short, historians may call this the “Confusion Era,” which should not be confused with the Confucian Era which did not exist but also Confucius, if he understood basketball, would agree that Irving’s actions are confusing.

In a weird turn of events, Kyrie Irving has demanded a trade from the Cavs so he can get away from Lebron James. Most reporters have stated the demand was made so Kyrie could be the focal point and so he wouldn’t be left out if Lebron left in free agency next summer. I believe that Irving, a person known to be confused about all forms of science, is afraid that Lebron’s receding hairline is contagious and thus needed to leave immediately. Say what you want about Lebron James, but unless Kyrie Irving can find himself on the Warriors, Lebron is his only chance at a Championship in the next five years. Not to mention that playing alongside Lebron improves Irving’s stock both on and off the basketball court and even if a receding hairline was the side effect of all of this, I’d certainly do it.

Running away from Lebron James is like running out of an air-conditioned house in the middle of the Sahara Desert just so maybe once you’re outside, sweating profusely and dying of heat stroke, people may notice you slightly more. But what Irving’s likely flat brain can’t comprehend, is that Irving is only the star he is because of Lebron James. If he does get traded and fulfil his dream of being the unquestionable star on a perennial 8th seeded playoff team, just like babies who aren’t cute, no one will give a sh** about him. Sorry to all you parents out there with ugly babies, life can be tough, but not sorry to you Kyrie Irving.

And when you find yourself out in the heat in a few years dying of the embarrassment that some guy who writes a blog in a tiny corner of his mom’s basement was right all along, I’m referring to myself, Kyrie, you can call me. I won’t have much advice, but I will invite you to be a guest of my webseries, that would still be awesome for our viewership. Good luck, you’re going to need it.


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