What Do March Madness and Sugar Dumplings Have in Common?


March Madness. Is there a better two word phrase in the english language? By themselves the words are regular and uninteresting, like sugar and dumpling. Though dumpling is kind of a fun word to say so perhaps that was a bad example, but a sugar dumpling? Sign me up for that. March, the month, without the madness, is easily a bottom three month. In the midwest, March is the time when you think winter is almost over and then it snows six inches and you then punch the person nearest to you in the face because we’ve all had enough of winter by now. And Madness without the March could refer to any number of terrible things, like when your mom tells your aunt the chicken is slightly overdone and then madness ensues. Honestly, mom, why? Or when you call your grandparents and the phone is off the hook for hours and at 90 years old the most logical explanation is death and then you get there and they are in the kitchen eating cookies and chocolate milk with the phone sitting there off the hook and you say, "why didn’t you hang up the phone" and they both say, "I always hang up the phone" and then you say, "well the phone is off the hook, there are only three people here and it sure as shit wasn’t me." Like I said, madness. But put these two mundane words together and it’s like eating pizza with all of your friends while watching 16 amazing college basketball games per day. Oh wait... Now because I know you have been waiting, here is a list of things about March Madness, some things I like, some I don’t and some I just want to talk about.

  1. Things I like: Watching Duke lose.

  2. Things I don’t like: Duke. Why do I hate Duke? What’s not to hate? Growing up especially, people always talked about Coach K as the coach who didn’t always get the best players, but he got coachable ones who he could put together to create the best team. That is of course racist code talk meaning he got the best white players and because they are white, they are more coachable than the super talented black kids. See more on this HERE. I don’t believe it was true 15 years ago and it certainly isn’t true now. Coach K, just like, John Calipari or Bill Self, gets the best players, many of whom are one and dones. Kyrie Irving, Jahlil Okafor and Jabari Parker to name a few. And the ones he doesn’t get, it is certainly not because he didn’t want them. And speaking of punching people (I may not have said but it sure was thinking about it), is there a person in the world with a more punchable face than Grayson Allen? Needless to say, when the Blue Devils were Game Cocked on Sunday evening, it was like eating ice cream in the morning, what could be better?

  3. Things I like: Charles Barkley talking about anything.

  4. Things I wonder about: How many suits could I have out of the material from one of Charles Barkley’s suits? Keep in mind the man often hits you with a three piece suit.

  5. Things I’d like to see: Charles Barkley and Shaq ice skating. Throw in Spike Lee and Samuel L. Jackson and I just gave Capital One it’s next commercial. You’re welcome.

  6. Things I don’t understand: Lonzo Ball’s jump shot. His jumper looks about as goofy as Hunter Pence doing anything on a baseball diamond, why does it work?

  7. Things I don’t like: More and more it seems like when a player drives, sometimes they call a block, sometimes a charge and it’s about as random as you winning your office bracket pool.. Announcers then watch the play in slow-motion and unfairly declare if the refs are right or wrong but in real time, it doesn’t seem possible. Much like poverty and world peace, I have no solution to this problem, I just know it is one and that fewer whistles are better.

  8. Things that are silly: Why do coaches where a suit jacket when they take it off during the first TV timeout? I saw you take it off, who are you fooling? And for that matter, why do coaches wear suits at all?

  9. Things we should stop talking about: If I hear one more word about how much the Michigan basketball team came together after their little plane crash, I’m going to punch Grayson Allen in the face.

  10. Things to look out for next year: Other teams staging plane crashes to bring their team together.

  11. Other things to look out for next year: When Grayson Allen leaves, who will be the next easily punchable white, Duke basketball player? Don’t let us down now Coach K.

  12. Things I don’t like: Sometime soon March Madness will be over and we will all have to go back to our same terrible lives.

  13. Things I like: March Madness.

  14. Things about life: People really like top 10 lists but I’m trying to bring back the top 14. Who’s with me?


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