As Cupcakes Go, Kevin Durant Is Really Good At Basketball

Kevin Durant makes his much anticipated return to Oklahoma City on Saturday night. For those who’ve forgotten, this past offseason, Durant chose to leave OKC, the team who he at one point had led to a 3-1 series lead over the Golden State Warriors, and play for the Warriors. For those non-sports fans out there, Durant was fighting alongside David trying to defeat Goliath, Goliath was almost knocked down but just barely found a way to survive, because of this, Durant decided to then fight with Goliath so he could trip David, pull his pants down and laugh at him.

Before you go bashing Durant for this (just wait one second to do so) understand that he grew up always hearing the old adage, “if you can’t beat em, stab your loyal, relatively small town fans in the chest and skip town to join the MonSTARSS.” As an aside, with a saying like that we can agree Durant grew up in a strange household.

I have long thought the NBA was pointless and it likely would still be if he had stayed put, but Durant’s decision took it to a whole new level. Gee, I wonder who’s going to play in the Finals this year? The Timberwolves are up and coming, Joel Embiid is leading the… wait, just kidding, there is a super team in each league! And no we’re not talking about the Knicks, Derrick Rose. Why don’t we just cut the remainder of the NBA season and the Warriors and Cavs can just play a best of 45 game series for the title? Wouldn’t that be more fun than watching the season play out to the inevitable?

My prediction is, first, the NBA probably won’t listen to me on that idea which is a shame. Second, the Warriors easily handle the Cavs this year for the championship. But then, next year, the Cavs recruit Russell Westbrook and win the title, conveniently, Kevin Durant’s two year contract is up allowing him to then play for the Cavs and win yet another title. This then forces the Warriors to recruit Anthony Davis and win the title the following year and because Durant again wisely only signed a two year deal, he can then switch sides and win yet another title. At this point, scientists figure out how to make Michael Jordan 28 again and he joins the Bulls and they win the title causing the Cavs and Warriors to join forces the following year.

Perhaps I’ve made my point. In short, when the Warriors visit OKC on Saturday night, I hope to win the game, Westbrook emphatically dunks while simultaneously taking a giant bite out of the 6’11 cupcake that is Kevin Durant. We’ll see, but either way, wake me up when the Finals begin.

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